I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever be a good person. I just started arguing--again--with Brian over elitism in the Academy. It began when he started describing the discipline needed for the Academy: keeping up with languages, reading incessantly, maintaining one's writing ability, and just generally thinking.
I think this is simply a marker of the fact that Brian and I have different vocations, but I had to contend that I don't think it's worth it. Really, spending all of your life immersed in such things doesn't seem like the most worthwhile thing. Can it really help the world, I thought, to be immersed in books all day long?
Luckily, it only took me about 20 minutes of thinking to realize how stupid I was being (sorry I didn't get there sooner, Brian). Yes, silly self, reading books and bettering one's knowledge so as to engage in the theological work of the Church and humanity does happen to be a pretty useful endeavor. Duh.
During our conversation, I argued that I wanted to be all balanced and such. It is true that I love integrating homemaking, people, and the life of the mind all together. But, as my dear roommate says, I have to exclude something or else I'm just going to become a frazzled mess. I think maybe Paul meant something like this when he said that we are the body of Christ, instead of I am the body of Christ. Again: duh. Sometimes it actually scares me how arrogant I can be.
This of course all leads me to wonder, for the billionth time, what exactly my vocation is. Part of me loves the idea of just throwing myself into the Academy, learning twelve languages, becoming familiar with every theologian and philosopher in the recorded history of humankind, making a feeble attempt at contributing to an important conversation, and imparting this all onto students who may or may not give a hoot. Sounds like fun, really.
But, whether because of my own twisted sense of "that sounds too good to be true, so I can't do it," or because I genuinely do know something of my calling, I don't think I could ever be content in the purely academic life (not that such a thing actually exists). If my current state is any indicator, things will be a bit more convoluted. Okay, a lot more convoluted. I'll probably be tortured all of my life with questions of meaning and purpose. Well, I guess it means I'll be good at asking questions. But, just maybe, could I get an answer or two as well??
15 years ago
3 comments:
Hey Alicia-
It's funny that you just posted this, because this afternoon at the Agape Center I was talking to a friend who's trying to get into grad school for philosophy, and was feeling insecure about it because of people like Brian Hamilton and Ben Lamb (yes, they were referenced by name!). He was saying how to get into a good program and get a job as prof you have to be absolutely committed to academia and absorbed in it at the expense of all else. I was making the same argument as you - that people should be well-rounded and still have time to spend with people and caring for what's around them. Maybe throwing yourself into academia is fine and good for people like Brian, but I think you're right that for people like us we need more than academia - and there's nothing wrong with that. And I do think it's possible to lead a diverse and integrated life without becoming a frazzled mess :) I think you do have enough sense of your vocation to know that it should involve people and other things in addition to academia (although reading and thinking and writing is a very important part of you). I hope you get some more answers, too...I know that can be really frustrating! But for now, I love you, and I hope I get to see you soon! (I was in the Mall today and looked into Yankee Candle to see if you were there! sadly, you weren't...but I hope you were enjoying your day wherever you were!)
Speaking from personal experience, it's a really bad idea to compare oneself to Ben or Brian. (One of these days, I may even learn that lesson myself.) Much as I love them both, your friend (and I'm guessing I know who it is) should remember that they aren't perfect either.
And thank you for being so wonderful. Your encouragement definitely helps me keep going. I love you, too, and hope to see you Sunday!
A) I'm halfway through a book called "Japanese by Spring" by Ishmael Reed that seems to be related to all this and is absolutely hilarious in a very serious and academic way. I highly reccomend it :) and would be interested in your comments/reactions if you read it.
B) Yeah, you don't seem quite cut out to be fully immersed in the Academy. Me neither. Which is okay. And yes, it's possible to bridge the worlds of doing and reflecting and relating and such. But balance is indeed necessary. And it will come. Don't try to force it. Let life happen.
C) This one is related to your other post. "You" are not essentially flawed. Neither are "you" responsible for your depression. And "you" are not measured or known by that. I like "you". (Since I can't use italics, let the quotes here stand in their place, so that "you" refers to the essential "you" whatever that may be.)
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