I can't write on command. I've never been able to, which is probably why I'd never be able to be a career writer, or at least a writer with any sort of contractual time constraints. If I set out goals and time slots and checklists, I'm done. I might as well throw in the towel and avoid the humiliating failure. Even if I seem to have "all the time in the world," it will do me no good.
No, I'm one of those writers who has to have inspiration hit her in the head, brick-like. I can labor over the structure of a paper for hours and days and weeks until I'm at my wit's end, only to suddenly one morning be eble to plot the whole thing perfectly in 20 minutes. I've done it. I've also gone for weeks without writing, then go to bed exhausted one night only to find that an essay is brewing in my head. I may have to work my day job again in the morning, but the writing can't wait. An hour later, I have a strong body drafted and excited to be edited and finished. (Did you know that an essay can be excited? I can feel it.)
When I put off writing said essay, it consumes me. I write it in my head. I say sentences out loud. I search through my mental resource book on word choice and sentence structure. Yep, I said word choice. Finally, while laying curled up in bed, I resign. The alarm clock says 12:30am, but for some bizarre reason it's time to write.
And so I do. And because my mind is a glutton for punishment and is in hyperdrive, I then (at 1:30am) commence writing about the writing process. Because I can. Because I must. Because I'm a neurotic, obsessive, ruminating writer. And because, clearly, I love it.
15 years ago
2 comments:
Mmm. I understand. Fully.
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I've also recently been discovering, however, that I can foster certain kinds of "writing spaces": environments (as much internal as external) that make those A-HA moments more common, that make it easier to figure out the structure, and more importantly, that bring some of those beautiful processes into the daylight hours. Hmm... and now I should share some of said learnings, though, maybe not, since I consider myself a "writer" no more than you. But, maybe.
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And, now your thoughts have sparked my thoughts... and I've opened a new post window of my own. Presuming that this headache doesn't win me before I finish, I'll try to elucidate some reflections of my own before the night is out.
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I love you dear writer friend.
Alicia, I'm so glad you're writing again - and writing about writing so eloquently :) that's definitely one of the things you do very well, and clearly love to do. keep at it! :)
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