And the verdict is...

I don't have a thyroid problem. Not too much or too little; my thyroid is just as it should be. While most people would see this as a cause for celebration, I was secretly hoping that my thyroid was out of whack. Recently, my depression and mood swings have been getting to me, and it's been making me wonder whether I'm going about treatment right, if I'm getting the right meds, or if maybe me and the docs have got it wrong and it's something other than depression.

The thought of dealing with a crappy thyroid gland wasn't exactly thrilling, but it gave me another potential reason for my depressive symptoms. I had myself convinced for a while that I did have hypothyroidism, and it would just be a matter of getting myself realigned to make me a "normal" person again. But it's not the case. I have depression. I have been fighting depression for over a year now, and the fight's still not over. I still have mood swings. I still cry way more than the average person. I still feel worthless, lethargic, and unmotivated far too much.

Tonight, after getting the letter telling me that my thyroid was alright, I went on webmd to try and find a different reason for my symptoms. I found one possibility, that my ovaries make too much testosterone, which actually doesn't seem that far out of line, but even if it is the case, the depression still must be dealt with as depression. I can't weasel my way out of it; it's not something that can just be cured by switching medicines or blaming it on something else. It is depression, and it will take more work, more pain, more tears, and more fighting to deal with it. Days like today I wonder how much "more" I have in me, but I suppose the answer's simple: I have enough to survive, and that's what I need.

Well, that... and maybe more Prozac.