"I'm still learning"

I wrote this about a month ago, and decided to post it today when I ran across it:

I'm still learning
Some days, I wonder if each day's lessons will be enough. There are times I feel as though I endure the same hard lessons a thousand times without any progress.

Other days, I'm able to be glad for those lessons, and even more glad for the days that I've found my strength. They give me hope.

The thing that scares me is, perhaps these lessons aren't supposed to be learned. At least, not yet. Maybe it's simply the case that years of heartache must pass before I can feel some sense of wholeness. Perhaps I never will; if one old farmer is right, some questions take more than a lifetime to answer.

But, I'm impatient. I want to feel whole and complete in myself now. At the age of 22, I want to have plans in place, ideologies set, and confusions mastered. I want to be perfectly myself, and fully what everyone else needs me to be. I want to be self-actualized, self-reliant, and self-understood.

I think back, though, over the last few years. I remember lessons that pushed and stretched until I finally settled into my new shape. I did learn. I also remember times I thought I'd learned lessons, only to find myself doing the same stupid thing all over again... a day later. Some of those lessons have since taken hold as well. Some have not.